Satire: Anna and Isha’s Declassified Dorm Survival Guide

Assistant News Editor Anna Wang ’28 and Contributing Writer Isha Patel ’28 decide where they should live next year, weighing the pros and cons of each dorm.

Satire: Faculty Vote to Eliminate Fizz Access

That’s it for Fizz — this week, faculty voted 166-1 to ban the app in defense of President Michael Elliott, who reportedly received one too many hate messages on the site. Starting April 2, students will no longer be able to access their accounts.

Satire: College Unveils New Major “Strategic Illusionism” Beginning Fall 2025

Amherst has introduced its newest major, “Strategic Illusionism,” which starts next semester. The major is intended to better prepare students for the current job market.

Satire: College To Create New Prize Honoring Conservative Journalism

The Student has been awarded Amherst’s newly created honor, the Hadley Arkes Prize, for its representation of conservative voices. Members of the prize’s selection committee emphasized the need for diversified political discourse.

Satire: Campus Police Log: March 26 to April 1

The craziest installment of the Campus Police Log, from March 26 to April 1, can be found here.

Satire: Hearts of the Heard: Sunburnt Situationships

Relationship in limbo post-spring break voyage to Florida? The Student is here with insightful advice to guide you through the trickiest of circumstances.

Satire: Day in the Life of the Amherst Mammoth Mascot

In the first edition of our new column, “Day in the Life of a Mammoth,” The Student spent the day with none other than the Amherst Mammoth Mascot herself.

Satire: College Finds Novel Way to Escape Endowment Tax

Endowment Tax? Never heard of her. Staff Writer Savita Jani ’28 reports on the college’s project to spend all the endowment on the most anticipated project in college history: Bring Back the Woolies.

Satire: Campus Dining Attacks Latest Victim

Valentine Dining Hall is not for the weak. The Student sat down with Fizz personality “Mikey” to get a better understanding of the daily trials and tribulations of Amherst students in search of their meals.

Satire: Toddler Admitted to the Class of 2029

The class of 2029 makes history as toddler Tyler Young ’29 is set to enroll in the college as a geology major with a concentration in shoveling wood chips and making mud pies.

Satire: Star Trek: One Small Step for Mammoth, One Giant Leap for MammothKind

Starting in the spring semester of 2026, the Loeb Center will debut its newest trek. Eight eligible students will be propelled into the sky and tasked with learning amongst the stars in the new space-based program: Star Trek.

Satire: Editorial: The Amherst Student’s Bold Transition to AI-Written Articles

The Editorial Board announces new changes to the paper’s policy.

Satire: Cohan Hall: A Communist Utopia

Assistant Opinion Editor Olivia Tennant ’27 reflects on her delightful experiences living in Cohan Hall, a socialist paradise.

Satire: Valchemy: Freshly Squeezed Tomato Juice

In this week’s edition of Valchemy, Columnist Ivy Haight ’25 creates the latest unconventional drink to satisfy Amherst’s tomato juice enthusiasts with a hint of french fry nostalgia.

Satire: College Holds Historic Interdisciplinary Panel on Democracy

MaKenna P. Stewart 1402 Professor of Theater & Dance Joseph Bailey changed it up in the eighth iteration of “Challenges to Democracy: Means of Resistance in the Trump Era.”

Satire: A Black Feminist Critique of the Drake x Kendrick Beef

Forget rap beef, this deep dive into Drake and Kendrick Lamar’s history displays a tale of yearning between love and rivalry.

Satire: Amherst College Student Becomes New “Survivor” Host

Staff Columnist Vaughn Armour ’25 is not writing this week.

Satire: Amherst College March Madness

Managing Sports Editor Joey Supik ’27 walks through the results of the colleges’ elimination tournament.

Satire: Ranking Teams Based on Violence

Managing Sports Editor Joey Supik '27 lists Amherst’s sports teams from least to most violent.

Satire: Early Predictions for the 2024-25 Season

Ahead of the fall season, Managing Sports Editor Joey Supik ’27 forecasts each team's outcome for the previous year.

Satire: Summer Research Assistant Application

Satire: New Flashy Table at Val!

Staff Writer Hannah Feng ’28 and Contributing Writer Isha Patel ’28 revel in the luxury of Val’s brand new granite table.

Satire: Purple Banners Gone. I Don’t Know Which Dorm is Mine.

Staff Writer Hannah Feng ’28 jokes about the removal of the purple banners from the First Year Quad.

Satire: Amherst College Student Found Studying in a Rail Trail Bush

Satire: Staff Writer Hannah Feng ’28 interviews an Amherst student who, desperate for a quiet study spot during midterms, was found studying in a bush along the Rail Trail after failing to find space in the campus library.

Satire: Amherst College Unveils New Stand-n-Stay Dining Option in Keefe Campus Center!

Read all about the newest innovation to the student dining experience: the brand new Stand-n-Stay option in Keefe.

Satire: An Interview with the New Senior Director of Organizational Aesthetics

Senior Managing Editor Stacey Zhang ’26 satirizes administrative bureaucracy through an imagined interview with the new “Senior Director of Organizational Aesthetics.”

Satire: AAS Candidate Statements

Managing News Editor Noor Rahman ’25 pokes fun at AAS candidate statements.

Satire: Valentine Dining Hall Removes Ice Cream Cones

Members of the Editorial Board satirize the removal of to-go boxes and to-go cups from Val with an ice-cream-cone protest.

Satire: President Elliott, A “Twisted Villain”?

Contributing writer Gabe Proia ’25 pokes fun at President Michael Elliott’s conspicuous Instagram birthday post for film-maker Caden Stockwell ’25, calling it “a brilliant political move.”

The American Punch Bowl — Walk: Wednesday, March 8, 2023

Cartoonist Alice Burg ’23 downsizes to one masterfully enigmatic panel for this special edition of American Punch Bowl.

Satire: The Bowdoin Orient Staff Bathroom

Satire: Amherst Mantra Advocates for Canceling Students

Managing Editor Liam Archacki ’24 investigates surprisingly uncontroversial takes published in a mysterious new paper circulating around campus.

Satire: FAQs About the New Residence Hall Reservation Policy

Staff writer Andrew Rosin ’25 covers the new Student Hosted Events Policy, showcasing its unintentionally humorous aspects.

Satire: What to Know About the Winter Olympics

Andrew Rosin ’25 presents a non-comprehensive guide to understanding the Winter Olympic Games.

Satire: Attendance Rate Increases by Zero Percent After Daylight Savings

Satire columnist Andrew Rosin ’25 notes that the recent shift from daylight savings is not going to be much help in getting students to class on time.

Event Policy Revived, Students Excited to Party for First Time This Year

Satire columnist Andrew Rosin ‘25 covers the new Student-Hosted Event Policy and conveys students’ excitement to start partying this year, now that they have the college’s approval.

Satire: Amherst Eliminates Legacy Admission Preference to Make Room for Athletic Admission Preference

Satire columnist Andrew Rosin ’25 celebrates Amherst’s recent departure from legacy-preferential admissions as a brilliant step toward getting more athletic recruits on campus.

Satire: Amherst Celebrates 200th Year of Being Students’ Second Choice

Satire columnist Andrew Rosin ’25 pokes fun at Amherst’s prestige as it celebrates its Bicentennial through imagined interviews about the college’s role as “the nation’s most prestigious back-up school.”

Satire: New ACPD Report Finds ACPD May or May Not Exist

Satire columnist Andrew Rosin ’25 covers ACPD’s latest investigation, an investigation into the very plausibility of its own existence.

Satire by Rosin: Dining Hall Employee Forced to Teach Labor Course

Columnist Andrew Rosin ’25 pokes fun at the fact that the college is suffering from a labor shortage and overworking its staff, in turn advocating for the improvement of the college’s treatment of its employees.

Williams Who? The Rivalry Between Amherst and Williams Explained

Over the last 200 years, many things have changed about Amherst. The student body is no longer all white, all male and all rich. The smallpox-spreading “Lord Jeff” mascot has been replaced with the image of an extinct animal. And there is a new Science Center which costs almost as much as the GDP of the Republic of the Marshall Islands. However, one aspect of Amherst’s identity has persevered: our infamous rivalry with Williams College. While this tradition largely survives through an annual fo